Concentration vs. Open Awareness

Slowly but surely I am adding days to a week, weeks to a month, and I find myself living in L.A. for almost 6 months already. In those months I was exposed to so many Dharma teachings from different teachers from totally different traditions, it is almost difficult to see that they are all Buddhist, scholar descendants of the same Siddhartha Gautama.

I thought it would be nice to summarize for this blog readers (myself included) and even more importantly share with my own experience with those teachings.

If I need to choose one important point to reflect upon, it would have to be the difference between concentration practice and open awareness practice.

While visiting Abhayagiri I was fortunate enough to arrive exactly while a famous Burmese monk was there – Pa ok sayadaw. I could not understand a word he was saying, but I did understand his practice, constantly and without pause keep your concentration on a point in mid-air, between the tip of your nose to the upper lip. Nothing else is needed and everything else is unskillful distractions. This should be practice for the attainment of Janna (first to fourth) and continue up to total purification of mind. Only then Vipassana can truly be practiced.

Of course that is different from all I have known, and was received with a lot of suspicion on my behalf. Keeping your focus only on that point and actively ignoring everything else seems at first as ignoring life, not knowing it at all! My suspicions were even stronger when I talked to the “local” monks who told me their own practice is much more like what I have known from “Tovana” – Look at the breath and open up your awareness from that point to all experiences, acquiring wisdom in honest and clear vision. But this was a worldly renowned teacher, and I thought I must try this practice, so I did.

It was very hard at start to keep your concentration on one boring point all the time. To not give in to my habits of paying attention to what comes up. It seems like life is passing you by and you just look the other way! But I kept trying and after only 2 days an experience came that change my whole perspective. There was this one moment of deep concentration, where my brain went blank and restarted again, washing away everything and leaving me with nothing, but not an empty nothing, a full nothing. A few symbols of light came into my point of concentration and I lost my concentration and that was it.

What was that?! I had no idea but it felt really good. From that point on I tried to go on with my concentration practice and had a few small experiences like the one I just told you about, And when I visited Watt Metta (Ajhan Jeff) I found out that this practice is also very close to what they are practicing most of their time – The breath as the source of wisdom, the breath as the ultimate object displaying everything.

I was sure I found the ultimate practice and that my path to enlightenment is set… But than I met a few lay teachers in L.A. that teach something completely different. A few day retreats about opening your awareness and your heart to everything did not convince me to go back to my former practice but a course on “The Ganges Mahamudra”, a famous text by Tilopa, the Indian yogi who is considered the founding father Kagyupa tradition (Tibetan Buddhism) did seed new doubts. The direct awareness and letting be of all experiences, that leads to complete and non-dual understanding, was overwhelming and left me in a way breathless. Suddenly there is no reason to look at the breath at all! There is no breath.

So what should one confused beginner like me do with all of these practices and traditions? Check them out first, get to know them, and then practice them for a while with a clear determination that this is your practice. Then you can choose something else or even combine a few. Always keep in mind, that there is no one path, no correct answer, the ultimate practice. But I do think that it is skillful to try and master your practice, keep it up without leaping from one to another every Monday. I know from Qi-gong practice that it takes 1000 hours to know your practice, and 10000 hours to master your practice. I don’t know if on meditation we can apply those same “rules” but it seems to me that before I know anything I would have to sit many more hours with concentration and direct awareness.

 May all being find the practice fitting them and benefiting them.

Have a great year everybody

A double life

Dear Sangha,

 I have been living a double life.

Ever since I came here I have sent the Sangha different letters then the letters I sent all my “other” non-practicing friends and family. I guess it began as a will to write different things for different people, and evolved from there to this feeling I have now, a feeling I don’t like at all. I personally created two groups of connections that make me behave, react and write in a totally different way! How absurd is that!? Or maybe it is not so absurd. The only thing I know now is that I would like to change that.

 So the first thing I will do is tell you all about my blog at: http://droraloni.wordpress.com/

It has my letters home (in Hebrew) from when I arrived in the U.S about 4 months ago.

 The second thing I will do is try to share with you my reflections on why I chose to create this duplicity. Looking clearly I can identify several habits coming into form here.

First of all, I thought I was shy and didn’t want to share my Dharma experience with friends who didn’t even know what Dharma is, afraid maybe that they would not understand or react in a way I will not like. But that was on the surface. Underneath I can see now I was not shy, but arrogant, very arrogant. Thinking my “regular” friends will not understand what I want to say is simply being blind to the truth, falling into unskillful habits.

On the other hand, I see now how much pretence I had in writing differently to the Sangha. Am I ashamed of my every-day experiences here that do not have anything to do with Dharma? Do I need to prove myself to the Sangha? It feels wrong to me now.

I also see the judgment inflicted upon me by myself, and that is why I will stop here.

 I thought these reflections would be interesting to every one of us, because I think most of us live in this “double-world” of living with Dharma-practicing and Non-Dharma-practicing societies. I feel that the barriers I built between them for so long needs to come down! I should be comfortable with letting my family know my thoughts about life and death, even if it will bring some cynical remarks sometime. And I certainly should be comfortable with letting the Sangha know me as I am with everyone else.

 I hope to hear from all of you soon. I miss you and it has been a long time since we last corresponded. I would love to hear your own reflections also.

 May all beings know the walls around them and have the wisdom to let them down with courage and compassion.

Dror

 P.S.

I feel very good, healthy as I can be right now. Just thought you might want to know…

Greatings from the land of “Far, far away”… Part 4?

Much had happened since last I wrote to you, my friends. I am sorry to have kept you out of the loop, and cannot even say I have a good excuse for doing that… I can only apologize now.

My mood is swinging back and forth like a Flamenco dancer after several shots of Tequila. Even though I have danced with her so many times before, I am always amazed all over again to learn that tedious little fact about life – Nothing lasts, nothing is permanent.

Now, as evening dawns upon the quite town of Westlake Village and thoughts of dinner sneak into my mind, I am wondering where I should start this letter.

It has been 2 months since last I wrote, and just a few days ago I undergone another set of scans with satisfactory results. It seems my Cancer is stable for now, and thus, I am going on with the treatments and my life here abroad. Apart from that we had an awful ordeal with our car, which I am going to spare you the details. Let’s just say that we bought a used car that seemed great for a lot of money, found out it was not great at all, fought with the dealership to take it back for about 2 months, asked an American lawyer friend to come with us to a meeting, and finally got all our money back. If I learned anything from this experience, is that I don’t belong here in America! I am out of my pond, out of my behavioral conditions, out of my world. I may speak English, but I certainly don’t speak American… We may all look the same, but we are not. One thing though, the whole thing was still an interesting anthropological experience to be in so I can’t say it was all to waist.

Since we did have a 2 month period in which I didn’t have to do any scans but just get my drug once a week, we used this time for some traveling. A few days of touristic activities in L.A. and I was already tired and sick. Nothing serious though, just a minor flue, but it did make me feel like hell (or to be more specific – like I am dead… Funny the Cancer doesn’t do that), and it allowed me the pleasures of finding out that the E.R. here is just as inefficient as Israel. After 7 hours I went home with the same flue, just 7 hours later. Of course the flue passed after 2 days like it usually does and we went on with the plans.

So let’s see what we had:

-          An amazing foliage trip to Vermont and Boston with great friends from Israel. Only pictures can describe that. I don’t even want to try.

-          A night in the Mojave Desert with… The same friends from Israel. The vastness of the desert, with the nothingness all around, can empty even the most crowded mind to a point of pure awareness.

-          Las Vegas. Not really our cup of tea, but our friends insisted. It was nice sleeping in a comfortable bed after the cold night in the desert.

-          My nieces Bat-Mitzvah in Arizona. That included another amazing drive through the desert in which we witnessed one of the truly most amazing sunsets ever.

-          My mom came here for a visit. Felt first hand the power of the funny but true saying “If you think your enlightened, go visit your parents”.

-          An anxious week of scans. That may need some elaboration -

As you all know, every 2 months I have 2 scans that determine my disease evaluation. The 2 scans are with 2 different types of Isotopes that attach themselves to the tumor cells. Now, understandably, every time I take those scans I try to listen to my body, try to talk to it, and try to get a hunch. It is my undisputed opinion, after 20 years in the trade, that I can never know what is really going on inside. How does that relate to our current story? Well, I had a hunch the results are going to be not good. Even though the first scan came out O.K., I still thought the second one will show disease progress and I will be off the research. So while waiting for the official results, I was totally depressed, afraid, sad. And I started to reflect on why is that? Why am I so afraid? And of what am I afraid? The answer was quick to come. It is Mara that comes and visits me with death in his eyes. Once again I am facing his holly evilness for a quick duel. I thought I made peace with Mara long ago. I wept with him, and laughed with him, and when the time was right – had peace with him. But it was always a fragile peace, like the peace of two alley cats, declaring truce just to lick their wounds and prepare for the next battle. This time Mara was winning… At least for a few days until I got a call from Israel informing me my grandmother had died. Ahhhh, now that changed the picture. It is when Mara reveals himself so bluntly, that he is the weakest, so I started thinking of death with an open mind and wrote down this short poem to be read in her funeral in which I could not attend:

 

So strange is death

Humans expect him all their life, and yet when it hints, their heart quivers with fear

When it closes in, they look away

When it calls, they deafen

When it yells out, they only bury their head in the sand

But it always comes. Stable and calm and present

Maybe it is not weird so as are we

 

But the sage,

Who live their lives in peace and wholeness. Who acquire wisdom not inherited in books

They are not afraid

When it hints, they smile

When it closes in, they look straight at it

When it calls, they listen to his song

When it yells out, they grant him a great big hug

And now there is some peace. I see again, and not for the last time, how mindfulness shines in with bright colors to show me my relations with myself, and the concept of self, and to bring joy in this moment. This joy, for a split second, non-dual moments I dare say? Maybe.

I think that would do for now. I hope the length of this letter was not too much for you and that you had the patience to bear with it to the end. When I started writing I knew I had much to say, but I had no idea to what extent this letter would lead me.

May all beings know death with open awareness

May all beings know death as a friend

May all beings know life

Dror

Greatings from the land of “Far, far away”… Part 3

Once again life takes us where it sees fit.

The last time I wrote we were still waiting with great uncertainty for my 1-mounth check-ups and the result of this new drug I am taking. I am very happy to say the results came back and they are good so far!

We found out about a week ago that my disease is diminishing on one scan and stable on another, which doesn’t necessarily mean that the new drug is working, but it is great news anyhow. Now we know that we need to stay in L.A. for at least 2 more months and it gives us this little tiny piece of certainty in the big sea of unknown.

So to celebrate we decided we have to leave this huge city and see some nature that is not man maid.

The first thing we did is drive to Arizona to meet my sister and her family – An amazing 8 hour drive through the dessert that can seem boring to some, but for us was a feast for all sensual senses. Having had to go threw most of that without air-conditioning (Our car started acting up in the middle of the desert) even added to the experience. Driving with all the windows open, feeling the hot, dry wind of the desert, and sweating… It somehow makes you feel like you are in an experience and not just watching it.

The second thing we did was to spend Yom-Kipur in a small town called “Ojai” (Pronounced “Ohai”), an hour and a half north of L.A. We found a retreat center there that was totally empty on that day. We paid for an adorable room with mountains view and oak trees all around us and all the peace and quiet we could ask for. What a delight! They even gave me some work in the garden in order to get a discounted price – So not American, so different from what we have seen so far here and so heart warming for us. By sheer luck, on the next day there was a little Sangha meeting in the tradition of Tich-Naht-Han in that place and we finally had a group sitting and walking and reading, the first since we left Israel.

Apart from that, we are planning some other trips in the near future and our hope is to see as much nature and as little city that we can. Of course that immediately brings up my conditions and attachments, but as some teacher once said (I’m sorry but I can’t recall his name) “You should get all the help you need”. Right now we need some help, the help of Mother Nature, and I am fine with that condition.

I must say the times of me sitting at the computer and writing this letters to you is an excellent practice of mindfulness. It is in these times I can reflect on the past few weeks since the last letter, and watch my progress or decline in skillfulness and wisdom. In between those letters, there is allot of “Doings” and coming-and-going of stuff in the reality my mind creates. What I am trying to say is – I enjoy writing to you! And I thank you for your precious attention to my practice of right manifestation of thoughts to words. In this group meeting in Ojai, we read some pages from Tich-Naht-Han’s book, saying he finds writing a hard place to practice mindfulness and would much ratter work in the garden or wash the dishes. Strange hearing that from an amazing monk responsible for some of the greatest modern literature in that field. Well, nevertheless, I find it easy practicing right now.  

Till our next meeting then, I wish you all a happy new year, a big hug and Hag Smeach!

 

Dror

Greatings from the land of “Far, far away”… Part 2

Hello again my dearest friends.

Since the Americans are celebrating their “Labor day” today we get a long weekend to rest even tough we don’t really understand what they are all celebrating about… I guess they are just celebrating a chance to go shopping again (now that wasn’t nice of me, sorry).

We are starting to settle down, bit by bit. We have started cleaning that apartment we plan to move into in a few days, and I’m sorry to say it is quite dirty, especially the kitchen. We bought a used car and we hope to actually get it tomorrow. Apart from that, we haven’t really done allot of other stuff. We go to the hospital once a week so I can get my drug and than we are off and don’t need to be there until next week, when I get it again, and so on. So we have plenty off time in between to do things! The problem is we kind of feel lost here in the huge city with all the numerous options, there is a million sitting groups and workshops and teachers… Too much! Everything seems too big – America is America, even in the Dharma it offers. You have so much possibilities we end up doing nothing…

Well, I hope that would change the minute we will have our own home in the city and we could start going to all the sitting groups and find the one or two we like the most. Right now we live in a suburb that is an hour drive from the city. We really want a few days of peace and quite in the nature and we miss Israel and Ein-Dor. Attachments, I see, very strong tough. We did make contact with Abbayagiri monastery and may go up there for a few days. That would be amazing I’m sure. Meeting Ajahn Amaro and his co-abbot Ajahn Pasanno, which is less known but equally wonderful we hear, is something we wanted to do for a long time. Hopefully we will get the chance soon. So that is it for now I think. I’m feeling very good with this new drug and that is maybe the most important thing right now.

Please send some word so we can keep in touch.

Love, Noa and Dror

Greatings from the land of “Far, far away”…

Hey dear Sangha!

While you are sleeping in your last hours of the blessed weekend, we are resting on a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon and still have tomorrow to rest!

So I thought, what could be more fun than to send friends from Israel some news about us?

And here is the news:

Nothing really important happened.

 

And now, for the more elaborated news:

We can’t believe it is only a week since we came here! It seems like years and years. All we’ve been doing this past week is some tests, scans, meetings with doctors, and a few long lost friends who just happen to be in L.A. right now and were happy to see us.

I also finally finished reading “Grace & Grit” (I always got to the last chapter and stopped), what a book! A must! Tomer – I still remember you said you would translate it…. Do it!

Next week I am going to start the new therapy and we all hope for no side-effects, many tumor-effects experience. The doctor is nice and optimistic, Noa is loving and optimistic, I am calm and optimistic – You get the picture…

We also made contact with a women (Ann Buck) that will give us info about sitting groups, retreats and everything here in L.A. so we might just have anther Sangha soon (Don’t worry, you will always be our first!).

Apart from that, we still need to move to a place of our own (There is this Rabbi who is willing to give us a place for free – old and dirty, but free – Jews are amazing), Get a car (There is no way you can live in L.A. without one), open a bank account, get a local drivers license (we actually need to do a theory exam and a test again), meet with a lawyer to see about Noa’s Visa (It would be better if she could stick around and not be deported), and more and more “doings”. I hope we will have a little time in between for some “beings” as Treya Wilbur would say.

Oh, I heard about the new Tovana job! I’m sorry I am not in Israel to apply… I hope one off you will get it. It seems like such a fun and rewarding job!

Last thing – my talk was kindly uploaded by Yoel to the site so everyone could listen and enjoy (hopefully). You are more than welcomed to tell people you think would have gained from listening to it.

So that’s it for now. Please keep in touch, which help’s when you are far away from your earthly home.

We love you all! A big hug!

Noa and Dror

 A quote I thought fits the occasion from the “Tao te ching”:

Without leaving the house,

You can know the whole world.
…
Accordingly, the Wise Man
Knows without going,
Sees without seeing,
Does without doing.

 May we all feel that way!!