Dear Sangha,
I have been living a double life.
Ever since I came here I have sent the Sangha different letters then the letters I sent all my “other” non-practicing friends and family. I guess it began as a will to write different things for different people, and evolved from there to this feeling I have now, a feeling I don’t like at all. I personally created two groups of connections that make me behave, react and write in a totally different way! How absurd is that!? Or maybe it is not so absurd. The only thing I know now is that I would like to change that.
So the first thing I will do is tell you all about my blog at: http://droraloni.wordpress.com/
It has my letters home (in Hebrew) from when I arrived in the U.S about 4 months ago.
The second thing I will do is try to share with you my reflections on why I chose to create this duplicity. Looking clearly I can identify several habits coming into form here.
First of all, I thought I was shy and didn’t want to share my Dharma experience with friends who didn’t even know what Dharma is, afraid maybe that they would not understand or react in a way I will not like. But that was on the surface. Underneath I can see now I was not shy, but arrogant, very arrogant. Thinking my “regular” friends will not understand what I want to say is simply being blind to the truth, falling into unskillful habits.
On the other hand, I see now how much pretence I had in writing differently to the Sangha. Am I ashamed of my every-day experiences here that do not have anything to do with Dharma? Do I need to prove myself to the Sangha? It feels wrong to me now.
I also see the judgment inflicted upon me by myself, and that is why I will stop here.
I thought these reflections would be interesting to every one of us, because I think most of us live in this “double-world” of living with Dharma-practicing and Non-Dharma-practicing societies. I feel that the barriers I built between them for so long needs to come down! I should be comfortable with letting my family know my thoughts about life and death, even if it will bring some cynical remarks sometime. And I certainly should be comfortable with letting the Sangha know me as I am with everyone else.
I hope to hear from all of you soon. I miss you and it has been a long time since we last corresponded. I would love to hear your own reflections also.
May all beings know the walls around them and have the wisdom to let them down with courage and compassion.
Dror
P.S.
I feel very good, healthy as I can be right now. Just thought you might want to know…
